I am so exhausted. My sweet son will be 11 months on Monday and I haven't slept a decent night in that long plus a few months. He doesn't nap long during the day either, so I wake frequently during the night and do not get a chance to rest at all during the day. To say this is taking it's toll on me would be a drastic understatement. For a brief moment I had some relief in sight. Two lovely young ladies from church were going to come by a few days a week to mind the baby while I caught up on house work, emails and hopefully rested a bit. Unfortunately it did not work out, but for one evening in 11 months I was relieved so I suppose it's not a total loss. I realize now that I need to find some help. My child just is not a sleeper, he's healthy and thriving and we've tired everything I'm willing to do but he will not sleep more or longer. This will change in time so for now to keep my sanity I must find another way. I will update as that journey progresses.
On a bright spot I brought the baby over to a wonderful friends house today for a swim, some conversation and lunch. It amazes me how I can feel so awkward around woman my own age but I can find a soul mate in someone closer to a young Grandmother's age. The company is always comfortable and relaxed, it is such a relief from the normal social toll. However I cannot complain to much. For the first time in my life I have close friends in my own age group of my own sex. I am blessed with two lovely young woman that have made me an active part of their lives and for that I am so grateful. Tomorrow the two worlds converge for some swimming, my contemporary soul mate and my "old soul" mate. That and the yummy cake I just baked are helping me keep all the other wear and tear in perspective. After all, that is what it's all about, life our drama and our joys are all in our perspective.

A begining

This is a departure for me. I consider myself a poor writer in all text book ways, however there is so much to share I find that it's time to conquer my inadequacy and blog.
This October I will be turning thirty and this has been pressing heavily on my mind. My twenties where tumultuous, frightening, manic, and jammed filled with experiences. In a decade I got married twice, had two children and buried one of them, was confined to a wheelchair, gained and lost 100lbs TWICE, held aprox. 10 jobs, and spent some time in mental hospitals. You may be understanding why taking the decade as a whole is a bit overwhelming. What the past ten years has given me is peace and a higher level of emotional evolution. I have fought through the pain of my past to the point I no longer blame who I was or what I did on the situations and people that formed me. That being said I am far from perfect. What I am is able to truly accept myself for what I am this very moment, the good, the bad, and the ugly, my true whole self. I half joke with friends that some parts of my emotional brain are just broken, this isn't entirely fiction, parts of me are broken and have been for a long time. When I found peace was when I could love myself even with those broken pieces and not feel like something less.
Anyway. I carried all that garbage and baggage through a decade. No longer. Thirty is liberating! I have dredged through the most horrible parts of life and come out a more beautiful soul. My joy will be sharing my ups and downs with you all.