Had a very challenging weekend, I got into a tiff with someone close to me. The clash began with the statement "I don't like the process" to which I responded, "I have no idea what to do with that statement." I didn't know if I was supposed to comfort, educate, cease the project that was "the process". So me being me (the female version of Spock) provided an explanation of why the process was what it was then proceeded to get my ass chewed for "always reading into everything!" Really I felt as dumb as could be, I couldn't speak I was so dumbfounded. So my question is, can there be a intimate relationship when you don't understand where your partner in the relationship is coming from? Wost of all it lead to me AGAIN feeling totally alone in an endeavor. I start on something with this person thinking we are on the same page then whenever even a slight snafu happens I turn around to see NO ONE behind me, I am alone holding the puck. Again I ask, can there be a relationship when you do not feel that someone has your back?
There is no chance of this person changing as they feel their behavior is totally appropriate and as always I have the problem. Still feeling dumbfounded and totally unable to see how there is a future without trust and emotional understanding.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
On being a better person......
For what seems like forever I have been striving to be something better than I am, a more refined version of me. I've always thought that self improvement was the path to enlightenment and happiness. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I will say knowing what I know now that a part of me still believes ignorance is bliss. Truly when we don't see our own faults we have to take no accountability for our actions or our relationships; it's always someone elses fault. When you are aware of yourself and others it can be a frustrating battle to "get it right".
For me the biggest turning point was becoming a mother. Nothing has brought "me" into clearer and sometimes harsh focus. What my son will think of me as he grows is a constant thought for me. Will he remember me as someone who was honest and always kept her word? Will he remember that no matter what storm we were weathering she was positive and faithful? Will he want to be like me? This has been the best motivation to become the person I want to be. My son will learn who to be by my actions. I can not expect him to be a better person than I am without first striving to BE the best person I can. My highest ambition for my son is that he will have balance in his life, that he will be successful without being greedy, he will be giving but not a door mat, he will love himself but be able to put others first. I pray every day that when the day comes that I am called to heaven and cannot be actively in his life any longer that he will still feel my abundant love and hold me in high esteem always.
For me the biggest turning point was becoming a mother. Nothing has brought "me" into clearer and sometimes harsh focus. What my son will think of me as he grows is a constant thought for me. Will he remember me as someone who was honest and always kept her word? Will he remember that no matter what storm we were weathering she was positive and faithful? Will he want to be like me? This has been the best motivation to become the person I want to be. My son will learn who to be by my actions. I can not expect him to be a better person than I am without first striving to BE the best person I can. My highest ambition for my son is that he will have balance in his life, that he will be successful without being greedy, he will be giving but not a door mat, he will love himself but be able to put others first. I pray every day that when the day comes that I am called to heaven and cannot be actively in his life any longer that he will still feel my abundant love and hold me in high esteem always.
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