We are in the process of buying a house and my husband finds out his job is being outsourced.
So needless to say things have been a touch stressful lately :-(
Luckily he was offered his same job with the company that it was out sourced to, a small pay cut and HUGE cut in benefits but it was still enough to proceed with the house.
Since the news there have been many tension filled days. But the evidence has never been greater that happiness and peace are 99% perspective.
My husband worries, and worries, and worries, he spends sleepless nights worrying, his tension and discontent is palpable. I rarely ever lose sleep and generally have calm in my heart and head. For me I trust that God will protect and provide for me. Not in the "I'll just sit around and wait for God to make my life perfect" kind of way, but in the I'm not going to be homeless, there will be food to eat kind of way. Even through the darkest valleys when I look back God was with me all the way, I never went hungry even if the help came in the form of food stamps or an anonymous gift, our rent got paid even if a family member paid it. Looking back now I see how God used those hard times to humble me and help me see that I alone am cannot "fix" my life, I need the divine grace and presence of God in my life to guide me and protect me. Through this I have peace no matter what the storm. Even though I rarely know HOW God is working in my life I know that he is, there is SOMETHING bigger than me at work always.
This gives me peace not in my circumstances but in spite of my circumstance.
But the person without faith, the person who feels alone to try to manage this crazy (and sometimes VERY unfair) world is left worrying themselves sick and spending nights awake.
My life is not perfect, my relationships are not perfect but I choose to be happy, I choose to have peace. It took years of learning how to let things go before I got to this point but now that I am here I feel so blessed to have peace.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
The need to understand....
Had a very challenging weekend, I got into a tiff with someone close to me. The clash began with the statement "I don't like the process" to which I responded, "I have no idea what to do with that statement." I didn't know if I was supposed to comfort, educate, cease the project that was "the process". So me being me (the female version of Spock) provided an explanation of why the process was what it was then proceeded to get my ass chewed for "always reading into everything!" Really I felt as dumb as could be, I couldn't speak I was so dumbfounded. So my question is, can there be a intimate relationship when you don't understand where your partner in the relationship is coming from? Wost of all it lead to me AGAIN feeling totally alone in an endeavor. I start on something with this person thinking we are on the same page then whenever even a slight snafu happens I turn around to see NO ONE behind me, I am alone holding the puck. Again I ask, can there be a relationship when you do not feel that someone has your back?
There is no chance of this person changing as they feel their behavior is totally appropriate and as always I have the problem. Still feeling dumbfounded and totally unable to see how there is a future without trust and emotional understanding.
There is no chance of this person changing as they feel their behavior is totally appropriate and as always I have the problem. Still feeling dumbfounded and totally unable to see how there is a future without trust and emotional understanding.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
On being a better person......
For what seems like forever I have been striving to be something better than I am, a more refined version of me. I've always thought that self improvement was the path to enlightenment and happiness. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I will say knowing what I know now that a part of me still believes ignorance is bliss. Truly when we don't see our own faults we have to take no accountability for our actions or our relationships; it's always someone elses fault. When you are aware of yourself and others it can be a frustrating battle to "get it right".
For me the biggest turning point was becoming a mother. Nothing has brought "me" into clearer and sometimes harsh focus. What my son will think of me as he grows is a constant thought for me. Will he remember me as someone who was honest and always kept her word? Will he remember that no matter what storm we were weathering she was positive and faithful? Will he want to be like me? This has been the best motivation to become the person I want to be. My son will learn who to be by my actions. I can not expect him to be a better person than I am without first striving to BE the best person I can. My highest ambition for my son is that he will have balance in his life, that he will be successful without being greedy, he will be giving but not a door mat, he will love himself but be able to put others first. I pray every day that when the day comes that I am called to heaven and cannot be actively in his life any longer that he will still feel my abundant love and hold me in high esteem always.
For me the biggest turning point was becoming a mother. Nothing has brought "me" into clearer and sometimes harsh focus. What my son will think of me as he grows is a constant thought for me. Will he remember me as someone who was honest and always kept her word? Will he remember that no matter what storm we were weathering she was positive and faithful? Will he want to be like me? This has been the best motivation to become the person I want to be. My son will learn who to be by my actions. I can not expect him to be a better person than I am without first striving to BE the best person I can. My highest ambition for my son is that he will have balance in his life, that he will be successful without being greedy, he will be giving but not a door mat, he will love himself but be able to put others first. I pray every day that when the day comes that I am called to heaven and cannot be actively in his life any longer that he will still feel my abundant love and hold me in high esteem always.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
nothing earth shattering today....
I have no great pearls of wisdom to share today. Just that I'm happy and at peace, it feels so nice to NOT be wound up into anything, to not have the NEED that I used to for drama. Oh yes I used to need drama to live! The only way I knew how to be was in panic mode. WOW that was exhausting! But the drama fueled my need to be the center of attention and to be involved with someone else. It's the only way I really knew how to interact. Let me back track and explain the WHY. When I was a child I was very sick, I had several surgeries and my life (and my families) revolved around my health. So you can see how once I was an adult (and healthier) I didn't really know another way, it felt natural to be in this constant drama cycle because that is what I grew up in. It took lots of therapy to realize what I was doing and why. Now I detest dram, I avoid it at all costs (which is tricky since I'm a woman and that in and of itself leads to some inevitable drama). I love the peace and calm that comes from not having constant SUPER HIGHS and devastating lows. Yes to be moderated might not be glamorous or glorious but it is comforting.
The idea of achieving a balance has been my goal since I was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. The condition certainly complicates the mission. My body does not properly regulate chemicals in my brain that affect mood and decision making which makes everyday a test on overcoming obstacles. However practice makes perfect and I have become very efficient at evaluating myself and making adjustments accordingly. I understand triggers and cures and when to ask for help. My life is not perfect and I am not always happy but I am always grateful to have a life to be unhappy about.
The idea of achieving a balance has been my goal since I was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. The condition certainly complicates the mission. My body does not properly regulate chemicals in my brain that affect mood and decision making which makes everyday a test on overcoming obstacles. However practice makes perfect and I have become very efficient at evaluating myself and making adjustments accordingly. I understand triggers and cures and when to ask for help. My life is not perfect and I am not always happy but I am always grateful to have a life to be unhappy about.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Another begining...
Been away to long, so sorry.
Brief summary of events.....
Child still doesn't sleep through the night, husband diagnosed with cancer in October 2010, treatment in December 2010 and on March 28, 2011 is now in full remission.
I truly believe that happiness is a decision followed by an action. You cannot "say" you are going to be happy and it just happens, you must MAKE whatever is happening, happy for you. Happy people are not that way because life dealt them a better hand, on the contrary most have overcome hardships that would have broken someone else. They are happy because they view the hardships in their lives as growth, take them as they come and then celebrate the joys fearlessly. At thirty I finally look back over my life, even the parts that used to make me cringe, cry, or flush with shame with a balanced view, grateful that I have lived long enough to look back at all. What has transpired in my past did form who I am today. There is a relationship that will most likely always be broken and I am at peace with that. However with each action of my day I make a choice about how I am going to live now. Yes I still have bad days and feel beat down and want to just give up, and sometimes for an hour or a day I do. Then it is time to re-evaluate the situation and mostly MY VIEW on the situation because that is all I can truly control.
So I am going to choose to spend the rest of my day focusing on my sweet little boy who is sick and letting him know by word and deed that he is my joy and my life.
Brief summary of events.....
Child still doesn't sleep through the night, husband diagnosed with cancer in October 2010, treatment in December 2010 and on March 28, 2011 is now in full remission.
I truly believe that happiness is a decision followed by an action. You cannot "say" you are going to be happy and it just happens, you must MAKE whatever is happening, happy for you. Happy people are not that way because life dealt them a better hand, on the contrary most have overcome hardships that would have broken someone else. They are happy because they view the hardships in their lives as growth, take them as they come and then celebrate the joys fearlessly. At thirty I finally look back over my life, even the parts that used to make me cringe, cry, or flush with shame with a balanced view, grateful that I have lived long enough to look back at all. What has transpired in my past did form who I am today. There is a relationship that will most likely always be broken and I am at peace with that. However with each action of my day I make a choice about how I am going to live now. Yes I still have bad days and feel beat down and want to just give up, and sometimes for an hour or a day I do. Then it is time to re-evaluate the situation and mostly MY VIEW on the situation because that is all I can truly control.
So I am going to choose to spend the rest of my day focusing on my sweet little boy who is sick and letting him know by word and deed that he is my joy and my life.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I am so exhausted. My sweet son will be 11 months on Monday and I haven't slept a decent night in that long plus a few months. He doesn't nap long during the day either, so I wake frequently during the night and do not get a chance to rest at all during the day. To say this is taking it's toll on me would be a drastic understatement. For a brief moment I had some relief in sight. Two lovely young ladies from church were going to come by a few days a week to mind the baby while I caught up on house work, emails and hopefully rested a bit. Unfortunately it did not work out, but for one evening in 11 months I was relieved so I suppose it's not a total loss. I realize now that I need to find some help. My child just is not a sleeper, he's healthy and thriving and we've tired everything I'm willing to do but he will not sleep more or longer. This will change in time so for now to keep my sanity I must find another way. I will update as that journey progresses.
On a bright spot I brought the baby over to a wonderful friends house today for a swim, some conversation and lunch. It amazes me how I can feel so awkward around woman my own age but I can find a soul mate in someone closer to a young Grandmother's age. The company is always comfortable and relaxed, it is such a relief from the normal social toll. However I cannot complain to much. For the first time in my life I have close friends in my own age group of my own sex. I am blessed with two lovely young woman that have made me an active part of their lives and for that I am so grateful. Tomorrow the two worlds converge for some swimming, my contemporary soul mate and my "old soul" mate. That and the yummy cake I just baked are helping me keep all the other wear and tear in perspective. After all, that is what it's all about, life our drama and our joys are all in our perspective.
On a bright spot I brought the baby over to a wonderful friends house today for a swim, some conversation and lunch. It amazes me how I can feel so awkward around woman my own age but I can find a soul mate in someone closer to a young Grandmother's age. The company is always comfortable and relaxed, it is such a relief from the normal social toll. However I cannot complain to much. For the first time in my life I have close friends in my own age group of my own sex. I am blessed with two lovely young woman that have made me an active part of their lives and for that I am so grateful. Tomorrow the two worlds converge for some swimming, my contemporary soul mate and my "old soul" mate. That and the yummy cake I just baked are helping me keep all the other wear and tear in perspective. After all, that is what it's all about, life our drama and our joys are all in our perspective.
Friday, June 11, 2010
A begining
This is a departure for me. I consider myself a poor writer in all text book ways, however there is so much to share I find that it's time to conquer my inadequacy and blog.
This October I will be turning thirty and this has been pressing heavily on my mind. My twenties where tumultuous, frightening, manic, and jammed filled with experiences. In a decade I got married twice, had two children and buried one of them, was confined to a wheelchair, gained and lost 100lbs TWICE, held aprox. 10 jobs, and spent some time in mental hospitals. You may be understanding why taking the decade as a whole is a bit overwhelming. What the past ten years has given me is peace and a higher level of emotional evolution. I have fought through the pain of my past to the point I no longer blame who I was or what I did on the situations and people that formed me. That being said I am far from perfect. What I am is able to truly accept myself for what I am this very moment, the good, the bad, and the ugly, my true whole self. I half joke with friends that some parts of my emotional brain are just broken, this isn't entirely fiction, parts of me are broken and have been for a long time. When I found peace was when I could love myself even with those broken pieces and not feel like something less.
Anyway. I carried all that garbage and baggage through a decade. No longer. Thirty is liberating! I have dredged through the most horrible parts of life and come out a more beautiful soul. My joy will be sharing my ups and downs with you all.
This October I will be turning thirty and this has been pressing heavily on my mind. My twenties where tumultuous, frightening, manic, and jammed filled with experiences. In a decade I got married twice, had two children and buried one of them, was confined to a wheelchair, gained and lost 100lbs TWICE, held aprox. 10 jobs, and spent some time in mental hospitals. You may be understanding why taking the decade as a whole is a bit overwhelming. What the past ten years has given me is peace and a higher level of emotional evolution. I have fought through the pain of my past to the point I no longer blame who I was or what I did on the situations and people that formed me. That being said I am far from perfect. What I am is able to truly accept myself for what I am this very moment, the good, the bad, and the ugly, my true whole self. I half joke with friends that some parts of my emotional brain are just broken, this isn't entirely fiction, parts of me are broken and have been for a long time. When I found peace was when I could love myself even with those broken pieces and not feel like something less.
Anyway. I carried all that garbage and baggage through a decade. No longer. Thirty is liberating! I have dredged through the most horrible parts of life and come out a more beautiful soul. My joy will be sharing my ups and downs with you all.
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