I have no great pearls of wisdom to share today. Just that I'm happy and at peace, it feels so nice to NOT be wound up into anything, to not have the NEED that I used to for drama. Oh yes I used to need drama to live! The only way I knew how to be was in panic mode. WOW that was exhausting! But the drama fueled my need to be the center of attention and to be involved with someone else. It's the only way I really knew how to interact. Let me back track and explain the WHY. When I was a child I was very sick, I had several surgeries and my life (and my families) revolved around my health. So you can see how once I was an adult (and healthier) I didn't really know another way, it felt natural to be in this constant drama cycle because that is what I grew up in. It took lots of therapy to realize what I was doing and why. Now I detest dram, I avoid it at all costs (which is tricky since I'm a woman and that in and of itself leads to some inevitable drama). I love the peace and calm that comes from not having constant SUPER HIGHS and devastating lows. Yes to be moderated might not be glamorous or glorious but it is comforting.
The idea of achieving a balance has been my goal since I was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. The condition certainly complicates the mission. My body does not properly regulate chemicals in my brain that affect mood and decision making which makes everyday a test on overcoming obstacles. However practice makes perfect and I have become very efficient at evaluating myself and making adjustments accordingly. I understand triggers and cures and when to ask for help. My life is not perfect and I am not always happy but I am always grateful to have a life to be unhappy about.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Another begining...
Been away to long, so sorry.
Brief summary of events.....
Child still doesn't sleep through the night, husband diagnosed with cancer in October 2010, treatment in December 2010 and on March 28, 2011 is now in full remission.
I truly believe that happiness is a decision followed by an action. You cannot "say" you are going to be happy and it just happens, you must MAKE whatever is happening, happy for you. Happy people are not that way because life dealt them a better hand, on the contrary most have overcome hardships that would have broken someone else. They are happy because they view the hardships in their lives as growth, take them as they come and then celebrate the joys fearlessly. At thirty I finally look back over my life, even the parts that used to make me cringe, cry, or flush with shame with a balanced view, grateful that I have lived long enough to look back at all. What has transpired in my past did form who I am today. There is a relationship that will most likely always be broken and I am at peace with that. However with each action of my day I make a choice about how I am going to live now. Yes I still have bad days and feel beat down and want to just give up, and sometimes for an hour or a day I do. Then it is time to re-evaluate the situation and mostly MY VIEW on the situation because that is all I can truly control.
So I am going to choose to spend the rest of my day focusing on my sweet little boy who is sick and letting him know by word and deed that he is my joy and my life.
Brief summary of events.....
Child still doesn't sleep through the night, husband diagnosed with cancer in October 2010, treatment in December 2010 and on March 28, 2011 is now in full remission.
I truly believe that happiness is a decision followed by an action. You cannot "say" you are going to be happy and it just happens, you must MAKE whatever is happening, happy for you. Happy people are not that way because life dealt them a better hand, on the contrary most have overcome hardships that would have broken someone else. They are happy because they view the hardships in their lives as growth, take them as they come and then celebrate the joys fearlessly. At thirty I finally look back over my life, even the parts that used to make me cringe, cry, or flush with shame with a balanced view, grateful that I have lived long enough to look back at all. What has transpired in my past did form who I am today. There is a relationship that will most likely always be broken and I am at peace with that. However with each action of my day I make a choice about how I am going to live now. Yes I still have bad days and feel beat down and want to just give up, and sometimes for an hour or a day I do. Then it is time to re-evaluate the situation and mostly MY VIEW on the situation because that is all I can truly control.
So I am going to choose to spend the rest of my day focusing on my sweet little boy who is sick and letting him know by word and deed that he is my joy and my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)